måndag, november 26, 2012

Long time

It has gone a long time since I wrote on this blog. A lot has happened in this five, soon six, month.

My Mom got a massive heart attack the 26th of June and did never recover from that. She died, 86 years old, the 23rd of September and after that I’ve had a lot to take care of.

I’ve been helping her with her invoices and other bank matters for some years now so it was me who took care of the paper work after her death too. Hopefully everything will be ready before the New Year is coming up. Otherwise I’ve to make her declaration two more years, 2013 and 2014.

I’ve also contacted a lawyer who is doing the inventory of her belongings and assets, and now I’m waiting for these papers to come back from the Swedish Tax Agency so I’m able to close everything after my Mom.

Mom’s apartment is emptied and clean, so now I only have to hand over the keys to the landlord one day the coming week.

It feels very strange and sad to know that this is the finally end. No more “fika” (coffee time/break) on Friday afternoons when I made her hair. I’ve done that for as long as I can remember.

When my Dad lived (he died in 2006) I used to fix his hair too, with haircut and sometimes his hair sprawled in all directions so I put some hair mousse in it so he looked more respectable.

My in-laws have also taken a lot of my time the last year actually. My mother-in-law has at last, after a lot of persuasion, a place on the elderly section in the service home they have lived at for the last six years. She has been there for a week now, and is not satisfied. She’s demented and doesn’t know/understand what’s best for her, she’s 89 years old.

I’ve also had to get some help for my father-in-law who’s 93. Now when he’s alone he needs to be looking after too. The home care service is coming daily to look after him, and that’s nice to know.

Hopefully I’ll get some time over for things I want to do for my self now when they are taken care of and my Mom (sadly) no longer is here. But that’s of cores only wishful thinking.

Bertil is getting more and more dependent on me because of his brain tumor. After four and a half years the illness is taking out the last of his strength. He has been taking/eating so much medicine (cytostatic) over these years so now it seems to knock back instead of helping him.

He has difficulties to walk, rise up from sitting to standing, is dizzy, and has got diabetes from all the cortisone, and thrombosis because of the cancer.

Most of the time I’ve hard to understand what he says and what he’s talking about. He’s fabricating own words and thinks that I’m able to understand them. According to him there’s nothing wrong with his talking, and I’m the one that is “sick” in my head. Every day is a challenge with him. Is he in a good or bad mood? Will he be able to get up from his bed today or do I have to call for help…? How long will it be like this and how long am I able to get along before I need help?! So far I’ve had the strength to keep my mind up, and that I’m grateful for.

He lies on his bed most of the day and is also sleeping a lot. His car has been standing unmoved for the last month and that is very reliving to know.

I really, really do not wish to see him “go”, but how long can a body be able to function on such low flame. It’s so very hard to see a person you have lived together with for 45 years be so helpless and most of the time very black hearted.

We met in 1966, I was 15 and he 19 years old. We were together as often as we could (read every day). He should know by now that I will do and are doing everything that I’m able to do for him, but in his eyes I’m not doing a shit.

It’s strange, I know him in and out, but after all these years he hasn’t a clew who I am in any way at all. Perhaps that’s a typical manly thing, I don't know.

On the bright side, today anyhow, is that I’ve been at a dance show. Agnes is participating in a dancing group for kids, “Funky Kids”. All the kids were dancing very good and seemed to have very fun on the stage.
Grandma's sweetheart
Agnes will be 8 years old on New Years Eve.



2 kommentarer:

Judy sa...

Hej Eva,
I'm so glad you ended your post with those lovely photos of Agnes! She is such a beautiful young lady!!
Life can be so hard sometimes, can't it? I'm sorry that Bertil is going downhill, as we say, and being such trouble for you. I'm sure he doesn't know how he is treating you, and wouldn't do any of this if he was in his right mind. The tumor and medication has really paid a toll on him, his life, you, and your life. ugh. I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be better to just let nature take its course, rather than try all of these treatments and cures, but then one never knows. We have to try, don't we? I just don't know.
Please know that you all are in our thoughts and prayers.

christine brightside sa...

Big hugs!!!